Snowball Fight Dream Team

     The Holidays are over. We've taken down our trees, packed away our menorahs and chugged the last of the eggnog. As we get ready to dive head-first into the thick of winter, the good people at GAYmer Guide are back to add a little warmth to the frigid weather ahead. With snow having hit most of the continental US this winter, including regions as far south as Georgia, its time to finally pack up the wrapping paper, put the decorations in the attic and start preparing our team rosters for the inevitable. Forget fantasy basketball, let's talk snow ball fights.

     After our brief holiday hiatus GAYmer Guide has returned, only this time sporting the ultimate team roster to take on those punks down the street and declare yourself instantly cool as reigning champ of the powder wars. With a little help from some fan favorites and not-so-favorites, the following list and strategy is sure to put your snow ball team on top.

     Offense: The key to a snowball fight victory is more than just overwhelming your opponents with more glacial globules than they can handle. Even on the offense, it helps to have an array of battle styles. These boys (and girl) make up your team's offensive line and when put to good use, ensure your victory.

     Goro- While he may be a champion in the ring, Mortal Kombat's Goro is nothing if not a snow ball fighting machine. Sure he could use a coat and some gloves, and maybe some pants wouldn't hurt either, but there's no denying the level of fear your adversaries are going to experience when they see that four-armed ponytailed monstrosity serving up an icy Fatality. While one set of arms focuses on making snowballs and the other set concentrates on hurling them at the opposing team, Goro effectively works as a moving turret, providing constant fire, and an asset on the forefront of battle.

     Ice Climbers- Goro may be your team's best intimidation factor but Popo and Nana, better known as the Ice Climbers, could very well be your most prepared comrades. Already decked out in primo winter weather gear, the Climbers are ready the moment the battle begins. Send these two straight up the middle of the battlefield to draw enemy fire. Not only does their small size make them harder to hit but with their ability to launch themselves one over the other, they'll be dodging snowballs left and right. Should any incoming projectiles come close enough to do damage, watch as our friends in the fur-lined hoods use those twin mallets they're so fond of to smash it back from whence it came.

     Donkey Kong- Donkey Kong is your team's heavy hitter. We've all seen how well DK throws wooden barrels, now imagine the damage he'll do when that barrel is a boulder-sized snow ball. With the other offensive team members drawing fire and feeding a constant stream of snowballs, DK has time to make his arsenal then send the opposition soarings as his bombardments hit their mark.

     Defense: They say the best defense is a good offense, and while that might be true, it doesn't hurt to have a good defense as well, just incase. Following in the footsteps of the offensive line, the defenders each have their own role to make for one impervious and badass base.

     Big Daddy- Some might look at the tough suit of armor or that massive drill and think Big Daddy to be more suited for offense rather than defense. This might be a mistake your foolish opponent would make, but you know better. Everyone knows there's no point to even starting a snowball fight if you don't have a sweet fort to defend, and in that case, think of Big Daddy as your team's snow carpenter. With his might and that human-sized drill for a hand, set Big Daddy to construction and repair duties right away. While the battle may be waging all around him, Big Daddy should stay pretty focused as long as any 'Little Sisters' don't wander in and start creeping everyone out.

     Blood Elf Spellbreaker- While he may have the ability to control summoned units and steal buffs from other players on the battlefield, the main defensive tactic that you should employ from WarCraft 3: the Frozen Throne's Blood Elf Spellbreaker is his massive shield. Set as your base's main guard, or your sentry, the Spellbreaker will make for a formidable opponent for anyone looking to hit him in the face with a snowball. By blocking incoming snowballs with that fancy red shield of his, the Spellbreaker can buy some much-needed time for your troops to regroup at your fort and dispatch any nuisances they find there.

     Ifrit- Some might think it in poor taste to use a fire wielder on a battlefield of snow, but as they say: all's fair in love and war. The plan for Final Fantasy X's Ifrit is simple: keep him on defense, but keep him away from your base, you don't need him melting all your hard work. Being vulnerable to water and ice attacks, Ifrit is not to be on the offense. Ifrit's best arsenal is heat: as snowballs are being thrown, a couple well-placed fira spells will evaporate the enemy's arsenal and leave them as vulnerable as a baby chocobo. 

     Infiltration: If your opponent manages to have an impressive offense and a rock-solid defense, you're going to need to execute some of the finer points of warfare to really come out on top. These units specialize in two things: information gathering and getting behind enemy lines. When used together get ready to sit back and strain your eyes as you try to spot your opponent's white flag through all the flying snow.

     Cortana- An artificial intelligence unlike any other, Cortana is a supreme master of information gathering. If you happen to be running low on spare Master Chief helmets to put her in, simply upload Cortana onto any piece of UNSC map equipment circa 2485 or later and get ready to take notes on the massive amounts of intel she'll be gathering. Whether your opposition will be communicating via texting, walkie-talkies, or two cans with a string running between them Cortana will find a way to bug it and relay any pertinent battle information you might need.

     Proxy- As a state-of-the-art hologram droid, The Force Unleashed's Proxy is vital at sneaking behind enemy lines and sowing chaos. While those buffoons in the empire might have used him primarily for training, Proxy's extensive personnel database and abilities make him an expert at infiltration, although the records of the galactic empire might not include the middle schoolers down the block that you'll be battling. To overcome this simply use what info Cortana has gathered to boost his databanks and watch as that pile of scrap metal turns into one of those awkward an sniveling members of the other team deserving of a snowball in the face. As the opposing team's offense and defense are focusing on fighting the rest of your troops, send proxy in to do a little empire-style sabotage. No force-charged twenty-somethings with daddy issues needed, this droid can get unleashed on his own.

     Altair- Despite your best efforts, one of those little punks might have asked his older brother to help out, and he's in high school so that means business. If only you had some sort of super stealthy assassin to take out their team's heavy hitter-- oh wait, you do. Already decked out in white, Altair takes a break from his sneaking around in Assasin's Creed to lend you his services of sneaking around in your battle field. However, before you send him after the other team's VIP, make sure you inform Altair that this is a non-fatal mission and that he is to incapacitate the target only. We don't need anyone calling their mom. After taking away his concealed wrist blades for good measure, send him on his way, confident that he'll get the job done and that all you'll be left with are some scared and confused seventh graders.

     Humiliation: Even though victory is in the bag, what's the fun in crushing your enemy with mounds of snow if you can't crush their soul as well. Whether it be all out intimidation, or that disparaging feeling of hopelessness as they go up against an unstoppable force, you're bound to show those punks from Saint Kelley's Christian Middle School for Physically Impaired Orphans why they shouldn't mess with you, even if it was unprovoked. 

     GLaDOS- The undisputed mistress of insults, GLaDOS is perfectly suited to handle the humiliation of your opposition with her words. With a track record of telling people they have no friends, are extremely unlikable, and even revealing to some that they are destined to die alone, GLaDOS comes prepared to get into their heads and send them home crying.

     Abominable Snow Monster- After the battle is over and your opponents have begun to flee, its time to unleash the beast or in this case: the Abominable Snow Monster from Skifree. We all remember him: you'd take your time to beat the game then after you had won, you kept going; that is until the Abominable Snow Monster would chase you down and eat you. Imagine that same concept, only the skier is now a handful of crying tweens screaming and running for their lives. It should be noted that once the Abominable Snow Monster has been released, it would be wise to high tail it out of there yourself, and preferably not on skis.
















Did we miss anyone or leave anyone out? Who would you have chosen?